Random Songfics
by Lady Athene
Summary: It's back! I have written another chapter for the randomness that is this string of oneshots I call a fanfiction.
1. If They Were Gay

**Okay... the reason for writing this was because of total boredom on a Sunday afternoon. I was looking online for lyrics and found this song. The lyrics totally suited a drunken Kanda, Reever, and Lavi. I do not own -man or "Gay". -man is owned by Katsura Hoshino and "Gay" is owned by Stephen Lynch. Enjoy.**

**Chapter One: If They Were Gay...**

It was the Black Order's New Year's Eve party and everyone except Allen was drinking. The cafeteria, after a few hours, was filled with many drunken people resulting in interesting parings. Everyone in the room was singing to the guy they'd ended up sitting next to in a drunken lull.

There, in one corner of the room, sat Reever and Komui. Reever was singing as Komui tried to stick his hand down Reever's pants.

_Here we are, dear old friend_

_You and I, drunk again_

_Laughs have been had and tears have been shed_

_Maybe the whiskey's gone to my head..._

_But if I were gay_

_I would give you my heart_

_And if I were gay_

_You'd be my work of art_

_And if I were gay_

_We would swim in romance_

_But I'm not gay_

_So get you're hand out of my pants._

Reever then slapped Komui across the face and left the room to go puke.

In another corner sat Lavi and Bookman. Oddly enough, as Lavi sang to him, Bookman was cupping Lavi's... hand... yeah, let's go with that one. So, Lavi sang to him and swayed back and forth drunkenly.

_It's not that I don't care, I do_

_I just don't see myself in you._

_Another time, another scene_

_I'd be right behind you, if you know what I mean_.

'_Cause if I were gay_

_I would give you my soul_

_And if I were gay_

_I would give you my whole... being_

_And if I were gay_

_We would tear down the walls_

_But I'm not gay_

_So won't you stop cupping my... hand?_

Then, Kanda grabbed Allen and held onto him tightly, making Allen the victim of his drunken flirting and demands. So, Kanda sang to Allen as he drew closer and closer, making Allen more uncomfortable with each word that was said.

_We've never hugged, we've never kissed_

_I've never been intimate with your fist_

_You have opened brand new doors_

_Get over here and drop your drawers._

**End**

**Okay, about the Lavi-Bookman thing... they were drunk, remember that. That was the only reason why I put them together in the first place, I am not a fan of that pairing at all. I prefer Kanda and Lavi, but I had to put Allen with Kanda because it sounded funnier. Rate and review please. And try to cut back on the flames... constructive criticism only please. Thank you.**


	2. A History Lesson

**Okay, I was listening to this song awhile ago and I immediately thought about Lavi. So here goes something. Warning: Contains Lenalee bashing. I do not own -man or "A History Lesson". "A History Lesson" is owned by Stephen Lynch.**

**Chapter Two**

One day at the Black Order HQ, Allen, Kanda, Lavi, Lenalee, and Krory were sitting around bored out of their minds. Then, Lavi spoke up.

"How about I show you some of what I learned as an apprentice Bookman?"

"Not interested." the raven-haired samurai man said.

"Oh Kanda, you don't know, this could be fun!" Lenalee said in a happy tone. Oh how Kanda wanted to run Mugen right across her skinny little neck.

"Yeah, go ahead Lavi!" Allen shouted.

"Fine." grumbled Kanda, "Let's hear it."

"Okay," Lavi began,

"_Ben Franklin went out one night,_

_Tied a key to the end of a kite,_

_Electricity struck so bright_

_Write it down mother-fuckers!"_

"Why you bastard!!" Kanda screamed and lunged forward, unsheathing Mugen as he did so. However, his attack was interrupted by Allen and Lenalee holding his arms and attempting to pin them behind his back.

"Why did you call us mother-fuckers Lavi? That's not nice!!" Lenalee said. Lavi looked at her and, wanting to put her in her place said:

"Because, some of you are mother-fuckers!"

"Tell us another one!" Krory said, delighted by the concept of learning something new.

"Yeah BakaUsagi," Kanda said, "Let's hear one about science."

"Alright...

"_Isaac Newton sat under a tree_

_An apple hit him in the head so he_

_Said 'Holy shit that's gravity'_

_Write it down mother-fuckers!!"_

"Is that how gravity was discovered?" Krory asked naively.

"No, Krory, it isnt." Lenalee said.

Krory looked at her and thought, _If only Eliade were here... she'd kill Lenalee in a heartbeat._

"Please continue Lavi." Lenalee said.

"Yeah Lavi, give us one about the Pilgrims!" Krory shouted.

"Okay hey now and...

"_Pilgrims raced against the clock_

_Lookin for a place to dock_

_They said 'fuck it here's Plymouth Rock'_

_Write it down mother-fuckers!!!"_

"Hey what're you guys doing?" Miranda asked as she tripped over her own feet and fell face first onto the floor.

"We're getting history lessons from Lavi." Krory said.

"Oh that sounds fun. May I join?"

"Sure," Lenalee said, "We could use the company."

Miranda looked at Lenalee and thought _If I wasn't so clutzy I'd kill her myself, but for now, I'll just let the samurai do it._

"Alright Lavie, may I suggest you do one on slavery?" she asked quietly.

They all looked at her in shock and she shrank back in fear.

"There is nothing funny about slavery Miranda!" Lavi shouted, "But I will tell you about it anyway...

"_Abe Lincoln led the nation_

_Freed slaves from the plantation_

_Emanci-mother-fuckin' proclaimation_

_Write it down nemenemops!!"_

"What the hell's a nemenemop?" Kanda saked.

"I don't know," Miranda said, "But it sounds insulting, so I'm just gonna go kill myself now." and she walked out of the room.

"She'll be back." Lavi said," How about another one?"

"The Wright Brothers!" said Komui who emerged from around the corner.

"Good idea onii-san!" Lenalee said.

Komui looked at her and thought: _If anyone here touches my baby sister then everyone in this room except for her is dead!_

"Alright... uh...

"_A dude named Orville Wright_

_Told his bro let's invent flight_

_So Wilbur said a'ight_

_Write it down mother-fuckers!!!"_

"That's a mockery of history!" Komui exclaimed, "But I'm too tired to do anything. I'm gonna take a nap. Reever, would you take over for me?"

Reever came out of the shadows and sat down next to Lenalee.

He looked at her and thought:_ What the hell does Bak Chan see in her?! If she says one word about friendship I'm gonna stab her with a pencil in the boob._

"How about Gandhi?" Allen asked.

"That's a dumb idea Allen! It's obvious that Lavi doesn't know anything about that!" Lenalee scolded.

And Allen looked at her and immediately turned into Black Allen and thought: _Hehehe... I think I'll sneak into her room tonight and cut off those little pigtails of hers. MWHAHAHAHA!!!_

"I did not have a Gandhi one..." Lavi said regretfully, "But hey, I'll make something up!"

" _Gandhi is what you said_

_An Indian with a bald head_

_And he was a bit underfed_

_Write it down mother-fuckers!!!"_

And then everyone broke out of their social restraints and violently beat Lenalee to death.

Fin

**About the Lenalee thing, yeah, I don't like her so much, so I killed her off because it was random and fun ^__^ Rate and review.**


	3. Snow White King

**Okay, I was sitting in my steel drums class thinking about what to write next and then I thought: Hey, what if Tyki were a stalker rapist? And then I sorted through my playlist and found this one.**

**I don't own -man (though, like others, I wish I did), or "Snow White Queen". "Snow White Queen" is owned by Evanescence.**

**Chapter Three**

**One stormy night...**

_Stop light lock the door_

_Don't look back._

Allen Walker awoke with a start. He'd been having a dream that he and Kanda were having an ice cream sundae and then it turned into a nightmare. Kanda turned into Tyki and started to rape him violently. He decided that he needed a shower, so he walked down the hall to the bathroom. He tried to flick the lights on, but the power was out.

_Undress in the dark_

_And hide from you, all of you._

Allen proceeded to undress in the dark shower area. Little did he know, there was someone outside watching him with night vision goggles.

_You'll never know the way your voice has haunted me._

_I can't believe you'd ask these things of me._

_You don't know me._

- - -

Meanwhile, outside in a tree, Tyki Mikk sat looking at a certain silver-haired boy who was getting ready for a shower. He had successfully intruded upon Allen's dream, now came phase two. With that thought, he leapt through the window.

- - -

Allen thought he heard someone come in, but then again, he'd just had a nightmare and was probably just being paranoid. That was when a voice spoke.

"Hello, Allen." It said.

"H-hello... Who's there?" Allen asked.

"You're worst nightmare!" It said.

Then it began to sing:

"_You belong to me,_

_My snow white queen._

_There's nowhere to run_

_So let's just get it over_

_Soon, I know you'll see_

_You're just like me_

_Don't scream anymore, my love_

'_Cause all I want is you."_

Allen screamed like a little girl and passed out.

- - -

Tyki left after Allen passed out. There was still phases three and four to complete, but it could wait. He let loose a vicious laugh as he disappeared into the night.

- - -

_Wake up in a dream_

_Frozen fear_

_All your ends meet_

_I can't scream_

_I can't scream._

Allen was, once again, startled awake by a fierce nightmare. In this one, he'd been on a Ferris Wheel with Lavi when Lavi was murdered by Tyki. Tyki then proceeded to rape Allen again.

He decided that he didn't need a shower after all, redressed, and wandered back to his room.

_I've come to save the twisted way you think of me._

_I feel you in my dreams and I can't sleep._

_I don't sleep._

_- - -_

Tyki laid down in Allen's bed and waited for him to arrive. The door opened and the silver-haired boy appeared. Apparently, Allen didn't notice Tyki in his bed and laid down in it.

- - -

Allen laid down in his bed and realized that he couldn't sleep. That was when, out of nowhere, a voice spoke:

"_You belong to me,_

_My snow white queen_

_There's nowhere to run_

_So let's just get it over_

_Soon, I know you'll see_

_You're just like me_

_Don't scream anymore, my love_

'_Cause all I want is you."_

Allen screamed again and ran out of his room as fast as he could.

- - -

Tyki followed Allen to complete phase four. He had Allen right were he wanted him. He smirked and meandered in the direction Allen went. _No need to rush,_ he thought, smiling sinisterly.

- - -

_Can't save my life_

'_Cause nothing I bleed for is more tormenting_

_I'm losing my mind_

_And you just stand there and stare as my world divides!_

Allen stopped as soon as he got to the training grounds. He was panting and sweating and altogether very tired. He just wanted to get some sleep.

That was when a shadow appeared in the darkness. Allen recognized it as the shadow of the Noah of pleasure, Tyki Mikk.

_Oh crap. _Allen thought to himself.

Tyki came up behind Allen and immediately began pulling down Allen's trousers. All the while, Tyki sang to him:

"_You belong to me,_

_My snow white queen_

_There's nowhere to run_

_So let's just get it over_

_Soon, I know you'll see_

_You're just like me_

_Don't scream anymore, my love_

'_Cause all I want is you_

_All I want is you._

_All I want is you."_

Allen screamed like an even bigger girl and Tyki was satisfied. So he left before anything else was done. In his mind, he thought: _Phase four complete._

"What the hell?!" Jerry screamed, "That's it?!"

**The End**

**I like this chapter, but I think it's a little strange. I was getting chills just writing the story. Or maybe that's because it's cold in my house. I wonder.... Oh well. R&R please.**


	4. Black Jack Allen

**Originally, this was going to be my first chapter, however, I decided that it'd be better to use a shorter chapter as the first chapter. Anywho, I was listening to this song awhile ago and thought of Allen's poker playing. Somehow, if you combine that thought with extreme amounts of boredom on a Sunday afternoon, you get this strange story. Contains LavixKandaxAllen and some major misunderstandings as well as some Lenalee bashing. By the way, I do not own the series or anything related to it other than this fanfic. I also don't own the song used, it's owned by Bob Dylan. Enjoy!**

**Chapter Four**

It was Monday afternoon and the Black Order Tavern was packed. Komui, the owner and bartender of the place, was conveniently absent from work, so Kanda had to pull his shift. Sadly for him, there were many customers to tend to so he missed his lunch of soba and soba cakes with soba flavored soda and was now extremely pissed off. He decided that the next person who walked through the front door was dead.

_Black Jack Davey come a-ridin' on by_

_Whistlin' a-loud and weary._

- - -

Meanwhile, Allen Walker, the best gambler in the country, had just come back from a black jack tournament from two towns over. He was tired and thirsty, but he still managed to whistle loudly and smile somewhat happily. It was then that he stumbled upon a small town.

"I wonder if anybody would take me in for a bit, I'm very tired and I've come a long way." He said to himself.

So he rode into town and came upon the Black Order Tavern.

"Finally! Something to drink!" He exclaimed and walked through the front door.

_Made the woods around him ring_

_And he charmed the heart of a lady_

_Charmed the heart of a lady._

- - -

Kanda had been watching the entrance to the tavern all afternoon, waiting for someone to walk in. Finally, someone did. It was a teenage boy with pale skin, white hair, silver eyes, and a scar across his left eye. Kanda also noticed that his left arm was deformed.

_What the hell's a kid doin' in here? _Kanda thought to himself. Then he thought, _Damn, he's a frickin' cripple! Oh well, the world needs less of 'em anyway._

So, Kanda attacked. He lunged from the bar and drew his sword, Mugen. He prepaired to swing it at the kid when the kid said:

"_How old are you my pretty little miss_

_How old are you my honey?"_

- - -

Allen didn't know what hit him. No, literally, he didn't know if what tackled him to the ground was a very feminine-looking man or a very masculine-looking woman! He looked the person up and down quickly. His attacker had long, jet-black hair and dark blue eyes, a very slim build, and a big, pissed off look on their face.

So, assuming it was a very masculine-looking woman, he asked her how old she was. After all, she looked about 18 and too young to be working the bar.

- - -

"I'm not a girl you... you... Moyashi!!" Kanda screamed.

"What the hell's a moyashi?" the kid asked.

"It's Japanese for bean sprout."

"Okay, I'm not that short! Now how old are you?"

"I should be asking you the same thing! You look too young to enter a tavern."

_She answered him with a lovin' smile_

"_I'll be sixteen come Sunday_

_Be sixteen come Sunday."_

"Right. Just get the hell outta here before I get fired." Kanda said.

Then, out of nowhere, the tavern's manager, Reever Wenham, appeared and said: "What the hell's a kid doing in here Kanda?"

"I didn't let him in. Maybe you shouldn't hire a blind guy as your bouncer." Kanda said, referring to Marie, who, although he was a nice guy, he was unfit for the job of bouncer.

"Nice try Kanda, blaming the blind. You're fired!"

"Damn it! This is all your fault Moyashi!" Kanda said as Reever disappeared.

"It is not BaKanda! And would you stop callin' me that! The name's Allen!"

"You'll always be a Moyashi to me because I don't care."

"Hey, I have an idea!" Allen said and then proceeded to tell it to Kanda.

"_Come and go with me my pretty little miss_

_Come and go with me my honey._

_Take you where the grass grows green_

_You never will want the money_

_Never will want the money."_

"Why the hell wouldn't I want money?" Kanda exclaimed as soon as the white-haired teen was finished.

"Because it corrupts the mind and the soul." Allen explained.

"Whatever."

"I wasn't finished either." So Allen began explaining the rest of his plan.

"_Pull off, pull off them high-heeled shoes_

_All made of Spanish leather_

_Get behind me on my horse_

_And we'll ride off together._

_We'll both go off together."_

"Okay, first of all, I'm not gonna walk around barefoot like some smelly hippie. Secondly, where the hell did you get a horse?"

"It was the one good thing that my master left me. It's name is Timcampy."

"What the hell kinda name is that?"

"I didn't name him okay! So just shut up and get on the damn horse!" Said Allen, temporarily reverting to the side of him known as Black Allen.

"Fine! But do I have to take off my boots?"

"Yes."

_Well she pulled of them high-heeled boots_

_All made of Spanish leather_

_Got behind him on his horse_

_And they rode off together._

_They both rode off together._

- - -

Meanwhile, back in town, Lavi, the adopted grandson of the town's mayor, Bookman, had just arrived home from his long tedious journey.

_At night the boss came home_

_Inquiring about his lady._

Now, everyone in the town knew that Lavi had the hots for a certain long-haired samurai substitute bartender. So, he went to the tavern to see if Kanda was there and see if he could do a little flirting.

Well, he found out that Kanda wasn't there, so he asked the owner's sister, Lenalee, who was also the waitress there.

_The servant spoke before she thought_

"_She's been with Black Jack Davey._

_Rode off with Black Jack Davey."_

"What?!" Lavi exclaimed.

"He's been with Allen Walker." Lenalee said calmly, "He got fired today and just up-and left."

"What?!" Lavi shouted again, "Yu's a guy?!"

Lenalee looked surprised at this comment. "Yeah," the Chinese girl said, "Kanda's a guy. You didn't know that?"

"So I've been hitting on a guy?!"

"Yes, and now he's with Allen Walker and their probably down by the river."

"Regardless of the fact that Yu's a man," Lavi said, only half listening to Lenalee, "I still want him and will do anything to have him! I'm so pissed off right now, I could just kill someone!"

So, with that and for no reason whatsoever, Lavi went bat-shit crazy and slammed his hammer on Lenalee's head, killing her instantly.

So then, Lavi went back to his house and told his stable boy, Daisya:

"_Well saddle for me my coal-black stud_

_He's speedier than the gray._

_I rode all day and I'll ride all night_

_And I'll overtake my lady._

_I'll bring back my lady."_

So, Daisya, knowing what horrors that Lavi could do to him, saddled his coal-black hammer, even though it didn't need one, and even gave him a horse's blanket to keep it warm. All the while, he thought that his master had gone out of his mind.

"Extend!" Lavi shouted once the unnecessary preparations were made, and he was off.

_Well he rode all night 'till the broad daylight_

'_Till he came to a river raging._

_And there he spied his darling bride_

_In the arms of Black Jack Davey_

_Wrapped up in Black Jack Davey._

Lavi stepped off his hammer and put it in it's place by his leg. He walked to the treeline and hid behind a bush to see what he could see.

"I don't believe it!" Lavi said to himself as he surveyed the scene, "They're sleeping together under the stars like lovers! I gotta do someting!"

So he trudged off toward the two.

- - -

In actuality, Allen and Kanda had been fighting the whole night about where they'd go next when they fell asleep. In their sleep, Allen just happened to roll over and wrap his arm around Kanda's shoulders. That's when Lavi came barreling down the hill toward them like a maniac and woke them up with his outrages.

"You bastard," the red-head screamed at Allen, "You think you cam take Yu away from me?!"

"What?" Allen asked, still not quite awake.

"And you!" Lavi directed his attention to Kanda, "You didn't tell me you were a guy! You cross-dressing bastard!"

"What the hell are you talking about BakaUsagi?!" Kanda yelled.

"I saw you two sleeping together under the stars like lovers! Yu, you were wrapped up in that silver-haired bastard's arms!"

"WHAT?!!?!" they both exclaimed.

"Yu, please come back to town with me." Lavi begged.

"I'd rather go five years without soba. Why the hell does it have to be with you anyway? I can make it back to town on my own thank you."

"What if I made you an offer you couldn't refuse."

"Try me."

So, Lavi made Kanda his offer.

"_Pull off, pull off them long blue gloves_

_All made of the finest leather,_

_Give to me your lily-white hand_

_And we'll go home together_

_We'll both go home together."_

"What the... I don't wear gloves!!"

"Well, will you at least give me your hand so we can go home?"

"I don't want to go home with you, you sick bastard!"

"Well then..." Lavi said, giving a mischievous grin.

He grabbed Kanda around the waist and threw him onto his hammer.

_Well she pulled off them long blue gloves_

_All made of the finest leather_

_Gave to him her lily white hand_

_And said goodbye forever_

_Bid farewell forever._

"Extend!" Lavi said, and he and Kanda shot off into the distance.

They arrived at Lavi's place and Lavi grabbed Kanda by the wrist and dashed up to his room. He shut the door and turned the lock, trapping Kanda inside with him.

"You're mine now Yu!"

"Great," Kanda griped, "I'm stuck here with BakaUsagi. I think I'd rather be stuck with Moyashi than this."

"Don't worry about Allen, he won't be interfering anymore. He can't even get in!" With that, Lavi gave a maliciously evil laugh.

"What do we do now?" Kanda asked.

"We go to bed because it's dark out and after that long ride, I'm beat."

"Fine."

_Would you forsake your house and home_

_Would you forsake your baby?_

_Would you forsake your husband too_

_To go with Black Jack Davey?_

_Ride off with Black Jack Davey?_

Kanda knew it was his conscience talking to him, so he yelled back.

"Okay, firstly, this isn't my house. Secondly, I'm a guy and I don't have a baby. Thirdly, Lavi's not my husband. And fourthly, I'd rather die than go off with Allen!"

"That can be arranged," said a voice that was certainly not his conscience.

He turned around in his dream and saw the form of Tyki Mikk, the Noah of Pleasure.

"Okay, I don't wanna die that bad." Kanda said, "So..."

"_Yes I'll forsake my house and home_

_And I'll forsake my baby._

_And I'll forsake my husband too_

_For the love of Black Jack Davey._

_Love my Black Jack Davey."_

"Dammit!" Tyki yelled as Kanda awoke.

_Wait, _Kanda thought, _Did I just say I loved Moyashi? Crap in a hat._

He got up, unsheathed Mugen, and broke a hole in the window. Surprisingly, Lavi didn't wake up, so Kanda jumped recklessly off the window sill, which was on the third storey.

As he ran off into the night, he thought to himself:

_Last night I lay in a feather bed_

_Between my husband and baby_

_Tonight I lay on the river banks_

_In the arms of Black Jack Davey._

_Love my Black Jack Davey._

- - -

Meanwhile, Allen was still standing by the riverbank wondering what the hell had just happened. Suddenly, as the sun rose over the sky, he saw the tall, slender figure of Kanda running towards him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Allen asked him.

"Just shut up and get on the damn horse and lets get outta here!" Kanda yelled.

"What? Why?"

"Because BakaUsagi is bound to wake up and find that I'm not in his bed."

"You slept in his bed?!"

"It's not like it was of my own free will!"

"Whatever, let's go."

"Wait, Moyashi..."

"What?"

And that's when Kanda grabbed Allen's face and pulled it close to his in a hot smooch.

"What the hell!" Allen screamed.

"What do you mean?" Kanda asked, "My lips ain't good enough for you?"

"Why the hell did you kiss me!? You know I'm no gay right?!"

Shut the hell up and get on the stupid horse."

"Fine!"

And they rode off into the sunrise.

**The End**

**Wow... That was a long one. But it's finally out there and I'm happy with it. Remember to rate and review and thanks for reading. :D**


	5. Last Train To Clarksville

**I don't own anything related to the series except for any fanfics that I happen to write, and I don't own **_**Last Train To Clarksville **_**either. If I did, then you would know.**

**Chapter 5**

Allen was sitting on his bed, bored out of his mind. However, whenever he was bored, he reverted to the side of him only known as Black Allen. He began to think of a prank to pull on a few of his friends when he decided that a classic prank call would do the trick.

So he dialed Lavi's number first. It rang once, twice, then a voice came on.

"Hello?" Lavi said.

"_Take the last train to Clarksville_

_And I'll meet you at the station._

_You can be here by 4:30_

'_Cause I've made your reservation_

_Don't be slow._

_Oh no, no, no."_

"What the hell?!" Lavi said as Allen finished, "Where the hell is Clarksville and why the hell should I even go there?!"

"'_Cause I'm leaving in the morning_

_And I must see you again_

_We'll have one more night together_

'_Till the morning brings my train_

_And I must go._

_Oh no, no, no._

_Oh no, no, no._

_And I don't know if I'm ever coming home."_

"What the- is this Allen?!" Lavi asked.

Allen giggled and hung up the phone. He began to think of who he'd call next, but since all the lines in the Order were connected, he just dialed a random number. This one rang only once before someone picked it up.

"Hello." Jerry said enthusiastically.

"Goodbye!" Allen said and hung up the phone.

He dialed again. One ring. Two ring... Seven ring. Then someone answered.

"What do you want?" an angry sounding voice asked. Allen knew it was Kanda and, feeling devious, began to sing.

"_Take the last train to Clarksville_

_I'll be waiting at the station_

_We'll have time for coffee flavored kisses_

_And a bit of_

_Conversation_

_Oh no, no, no._

_Oh no, no, no."_

"Who the hell are you?!" Kanda yelled, "Whoever you are, your ass is mine!"

Allen was strangely delighted by the thought of this, but said nothing because if he did, he'd get Mugen up his ass instead. So he hung up and dialed another random number.

It didn't ring at all because Lenalee was about to call someone anyway.

"Hello," she said.

"You're a skinny whore who goes after every bloody guy in this series (and the occasional girl as well)! Stay away from Lavi and Kanda or else I'll kick your ass!" With that, Allen angrily slammed the receiver down, leaving a depressed Leanalee on the other side of HQ.

He dialed again. This time, it went straight to voice mail.

"You've reached Komui Lee. Either I'm off making another destructive, deadly robot, taking a nap, or I'm too lazy to answer the phone. Please try calling again in another hour or so. If it's urgent, you can call Reever with your complaints."

The voice mail beeped. Allen decided to leave a message.

"_Take the last train to Clarksville_

_Now I must hang up the phone._

_I can't hear you in this noisy railroad station_

_All alone, I'm feeling low._

_Oh no, no, no._

_Oh no, no, no._

_And I don't know if I'm ever coming home."_

Allen decided to dial one more random number before calling it quits. This one rang three times before Krory's voice was heard.

"H-hello." he stuttered, "Forgive me, I've never used one of these before, so bear with me."

Allen smirked and thought, _Sucker,_ and began to sing.

"_Take the last train to Clarksville_

_And I'll meet you at the station_

_You can be there by 4:30_

'_Cause I've made your reservation_

_Don't be slow._

_Oh no, no, no._

_Oh no, no, no._

_And I don't know if I'm ever coming home."_

"NO!!! Don't leave us Allen!!! Hang on, I'll come and get you!" Krory said, forgetting to hang up the phone as he left headquarters.

- - -

By the end of the day, Komui had received reports that his darling baby sister had consumed an entire refrigerator and that Krory had ran off to a town called Clarksville to go pick up Allen.

Komui thought this strange because he'd just sent Allen to Kazakstan on a mission, and that was nowhere near Clarksville.

_Silly..._ Komui thought.

**Wow, I always wanted to do a prank call one, and so this one was perfect for the job. Silly Krory. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Skullcrusher Mountain

**Okay, so I know it's been a while since I've written one of these, but this past week I've really had the urge to write. I came up with this one while singing this song in the shower (and yes, I do sing in the shower. Don't judge!). I own nothing! The characters are owned by the lovely Katsura Hoshino and the song is owned by Mr. Jonathan Coulton.**

**Chapter Six**

One beautiful day, Allen Walker was wandering around a marketplace somewhere in Switzerland. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was hit over the head with something very hard and very blunt. He assumed it was a steel pipe as he fell to the ground, unconscious.

When Allen finally awoke, he found that he was no longer in the marketplace. In fact, as his vision cleared and he looked at his surroundings, he found that he wasn't anywhere that he'd ever seen or heard of before. Then his gaze fell upon a handsome, gray-skinned man sitting in the throne in front of him.

"Hello Boy," Tyki said, smiling.

"Tyki!" the white-haired boy shouted. "How the hell did I get here?"

"You don't even know where 'here' is do you Boy?" the dark-haired Noah asked.

"I-" Allen began, but Tyki interrupted him by singing.

"_Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain._

_I hope that you've enjoyed your stay so far._

_I see you've met my assistant Scarface."_

At this time, a brawny Noah with spiky black hair entered the room holding a bar of chocolate. Tyki was gesturing to him.

Allen's shoulders slumped. He'd been kidnapped by the poker-playing Noah yet again.

"You managed to get Skin Boric to be your assistant 'Scarface?'" he asked.

"All I had to do was supply him with sweets until this whole charade is over."

_Figures,_ the white-haired Exorcist thought to himself. Then he asked, "How the hell did you get a secret lair? And where the hell is Skullcrusher Mountain?"

Tyki smiled meekly. "To answer your questions in order: firstly, it's a secret as to how I got this base, duh; and secondly, I named a random mountain that hadn't yet been named."

Allen had expected a response like this from him. "So you named it Skullcrusher Mountain?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Tyki said plainly, "But that's not the point. You interrupted me as I was introducing my assistant, Scarface."

_Oh brother,_ Allen thought to himself as Tyki began to sing even more.

"_His appearance is quite disturbing,_

_But I assure you he's harmless enough._

_He's a sweetheart, calls me 'Master,'_

_And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me."_

_So that's what hit me,_ Allen thought to himself. _It wasn't a steel pipe, it was Skin's fist._

He spoke. "The only reason he calls you 'Master' is the fact that you give him candy!" he shouted. "And what do you mean 'harmless?' He almost killed me when he knocked me out!"

The top hat-wearing Noah glared at him. "Details, details," he said, "I was just getting to the part where I explain why you're here."

"The reason why I'm here is because you're ridiculous 'servant' brought me here after knocking me unconscious!" Allen shouted as Skin left the room to grab more candy.

Tyki smiled, "As I said Boy, details, details. Now then, if you're through interrupting me, I'm going ahead and explaining why I had you brought here."

Allen withdrew from the argument, for there was no use arguing with someone who is crazier than you are. So, sighing, he said, "Fine. Just get on with it."

Tyki smiled and said, "I will, with pleasure." Then continued his song.

"_Oh and I'm so into you_

_But I'm way too smart for you-"_

"Arrogant aren't we?" Allen interrupted.

Tyki frowned. "Henchman!" he called to Skin, "Get me the duct tape!"

"Yes, Master, but only if you get me more sweets." Skin said from the other room.

"Consider it done my friend," Tyki hollered, smiling impishly at Allen. "Now you won't be interrupting me anymore." Shifting his focus back to his song, he said, "Continuing from where I left off."

"_Even my henchmen think I'm crazy._

_I'm not surprised that you agree."_

_First right thing he's said all day,_ Allen thought to himself.

"_If you could find some way to be_

_A little bit less afraid of me_

_You'd see the voices that control me_

_From inside my head say I shouldn't kill you yet."_

"Wait a minute," Allen said in horror, "So you're saying that, if I don't love you, some schizophrenic part of you is going to tell you to kill me?"

"Well, not really _kill_ you per say," Tyki began, "Just injure you and take your Innocence."

Allen wasn't quite sure which innocence the Noah was talking about, nor did he want to find out, so he stayed quiet and listened to the next few lines of Tyki's song.

"_I made this half-pony, half-monkey monster to please you."_

At this point, Tyki's brother, Sheril Kamelot, led out a creature that was extremely hideous. It was a Level Two Akuma that literally looked like a half-pony, half-monkey abomination. Allen had to restrain himself from puking. Instead of spewing his guts, he screamed.

"_But I get the feeling that you don't like it._

_What's with all the screaming?_

_You like monkeys, you like ponies._

_Maybe you don't like monsters so much."_

Tyki shrugged his shoulders in a "what else could I do" gesture.

"_Maybe I used too many monkeys._

_Isn't it enough that I ruined a pony_

_Making a gift for you?"_

"What the hell made you think I'd like that?" Allen shouted at the Noah.

Tyki smiled shyly, an unusual thing for him to do, and said, "Thought you might have had a change of heart about the Akuma."

Allen smacked his hand against his forehead and ran it down his face as Sheril awkwardly when the Akuma away and Tyki continued his song.

"_And I'm so into you,_

_But I'm way too smart for you._

_Even my henchmen think I'm crazy._

_I'm not surprised that you agree._

_If you could find some way to be_

_A little bit less afraid of me_

_You'd see the voices that control me_

_From inside my head say I shouldn't kill you yet."_

"I still don't get why you're going to kill me if I refuse to love you." Allen said.

"It's simple dear boy," Tyki said, "If I can't have you, no one can."

_Great, _Allen thought hopelessly, _I'm stuck on a mountain with a lunatic _male_ Noah that's obsessed with me. I feel like I'm in a horror novel that hasn't been written yet._

At that point, Tyki brought down a projector screen and motioned for Devitt and Jasdero to bring in a projector. They set it down about twently feet from the screen and turned it on.

Tyki pulled out slides from the inside pocket of his black suit and crossed over to the machine. Placing a slide in, he sang again.

"_Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine."_

A crudely drawn picture of Allen and Tyki in what appeared to be a golden submarine appeared on the screen. The slide changed as the Noah sang more.

"_While up above the waves my doomsday squad ignites the atmosphere."_

Another crude drawing appeared on the screen. This one was of a bunch of stick figures blowing up a small village of other stick people.

"_And all the fools who live their foolish lives_

_May find it quite explosive."_

The Noah turned to the snowy-haired teen.

"_But it won't mean half as much to me_

_If I don't have you here."_

The teenaged Exorcist didn't know whether to be flattered by this, or afraid of what would come next. Unfortunately, fear won over as the twin Noahs took the projector away. Allen ran for the steel door, but Tyki was quicker. The Noah man blocked the only exit.

"_I know it isn't easy living here on Skullcrusher Mountain._

_Maybe you can cut me just a little slack._

_Would it kill you to be civil?"_

"Oh, so _I'm _the one that isn't being civil?" Allen asked sarcastically, "And keeping me locked in here is?"

"Where the hell is Skin with that duct tape!" Tyki shouted.

"He got lost on the way to get it," Devitt said nonchalantly, "He's probably punching through mountains to get it by now."

"Dammit!" Tyki shouted.

"Maybe you need better 'henchmen,'" Allen said pointedly.

Tyki glared at Allen as he sang the next few lines of his song.

"_I've been patient_

_I've been gracious_

_And this mountain is covered with wolves._

_Hear them howling,_

_My hungry children?_

_Maybe you should stay and have another drink_

_And think about me and you."_

Allen looked out the window that was to the left of the door and, sure enough, there were several wolf-like Akuma surrounding the secret lair.

"So even if I wanted to escape, I couldn't?" Allen asked his captor.

"I suppose not," Tyki said smiling, "But I've only got one more chorus left to sing, so do you mind if I do?"

"Not at all," Allen said, "Seeing as I have absolutely no choice in the matter anyway."

"Lovely," Tyki smiled politely.

"_And I'm so into you_

_But I'm way too smart for you._

_Even my henchmen think I'm crazy._

_I'm not surprised that you agree._

_If you could find some way to be_

_A little bit less afraid of me_

_You'd see the voices that control me_

_From inside my head say I shouldn't kill you yet."_

"You're really serious about killing me if I don't love you aren't you," Allen said as Tyki came closer to him with an evil grin on his face.

"Yep," Tyki said seriously.

Allen gulped as the Noah raised his hand, preparing to thrust it into Allen's chest. The gray-eyed teen had to act fast.

As Tyki lunged toward him, Allen grabbed the back of the Noah's head and pulled him in for a kiss. Meanwhile, the Noah's hand was wrapped around the boy's heart as he thrust his tongue into the boy's mouth, through not only his teeth, but the Exorcist's as well.

Allen was startled by this, but, feeling the Noah's hand on his heart, he decided that it was best not to pull away.

Finally, it was Tyki who ended the kiss. Taking his hand off of Allen's heart and out of his chest, the Noah licked his lips and smiled devilishly.

"That was cute," he said, "But I wasn't really going to kill you."

"Wha-" Allen shouted.

"Oh, and by the way, it's quite negligent of you to be flirting with the enemy when you're on the job."

"You bastard!" Allen shouted as Tyki winked at him.

Then, the door behind Allen flew open and Skin returned with the duct tape. Allen was hit by the door and knocked straight into the wall. He was now unconscious.

Tyki smiled mischievously, plotting what to do next.

When Allen awoke, it was six thirty in the morning and he was cold. He also found that he couldn't move. Looking down at his body, he found that he was tied up by silvery duct tape. The worst part about his predicament was that he was naked as well.

He surveyed his surroundings. He was just outside the gate to the Black Order Headquarters. He tried to speak, but found that there was duct tape across his mouth as well.

_That son of a bitch!_ Allen cursed in his head. _Who knows what he's done to me?_

Suddenly, the gate opened and Jerry walked out on his usual run to the village marketplace. He stopped when he saw Allen.

"Well," he said, "_Somebody_ had a fun night," and he continued on his way.

Moments later, the gateway opened again and Kanda stepped out on his usual morning jog. He, too, stopped when he saw Allen. He looked around to see if anyone was around. Then, when he was sure that the coast was clear, he picked the naked teen up, tossed him over his shoulder, and walked back through the gates, ignoring Allen's grunts of protest.

**Bet you thought I was gonna put Allen with Jerry for a second there hmm? If not, then I am getting extremely predictable and need to change it up. I was really excited when I came up with this because I hadn't touched this story since the "Clarksville" chapter and I really wanted to do another Poker Pair one-shot. I like how this one turned out and I hope you guys like it too. Amazingly, there's not Lenalee bashing. I couldn't figure out how to fit any in. Thinking about a chapter for Krory for the next one. Stay tuned and remember to R&R to tell me how I did please. Thanks for putting up with me.**


End file.
